Thanks for your comment Pua Nani. I totally hear where you are coming from and wholeheartedly agree (1) that massage therapy is an important well-being practice and (2) pleasurable things are a normal element of a healthy, productive life. In fact, I actually get myofascial massage therapy once a month to treat hip pain and muscle stress. That’s absolutely “self-care” to me and is the first thing that goes on my calendar.

With this article I was trying to encourage people to practice self-awareness around their own behavior– to look at the intentions of self-care. Treating yourself to life’s pleasures is wonderful (healthy, and necessary!) when it’s done from a place of nourishment, as your examples suggest. All I’m saying is that *it can* go awry if we’re not practicing the self-awareness to look deeply at our own thoughts, emotions, and motivations. We *might* be too quick, at times, to jump to certain mechanisms to numb or escape because life can be very stressful. Much like technology, coping mechanisms are tools. It’s our intentions that make them healthy and productive OR unhealthy and counterproductive. I actually had an entire section in this piece about practicing discernment which was cut in the editorial process. I will share it below in the event it’s helpful.

To your point, I may not have conveyed this as eloquently and precisely as possible. For that I am sorry, and by no means meant to neg anyone. I think there’s enough of that around self-care already–where we’re made to feel like we have to be green juice drinking robots in order to be “good enough” or “productive enough”. I wanted to convey that self-care often is more simple––boundaries, being assertive and speaking up for yourself, etc.

I hope this helps clarify! Again, appreciate your comments and the dialogue you started here. It’s an important one.

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This was cut from the article during the editiorial process…

The Importance of Discernment

Put simply, discernment means knowing what is or isn’t for you. It’s the difference between knowing when you’re letting a loophole drive your decision, versus when you really do need nurturing. To help you navigate the line between self-care and self-sabotage with greater discernment, here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What am I avoiding?
• Beyond stress, what specific emotions am I feeling?
• What is in my control?
• What am I responsible for?
• How can I choose to see this situation differently?
• What am I currently doing to invest in myself?
• What choice would my future self thank me for?

What Real Self-Care Looks Like

Each time I find myself turning to unhelpful coping mechanisms to self-soothe, I remind myself of the words of Seth Godin, who says, “Instead of wondering when our next vacation is, we should set up a life we don’t need to escape from.”

So what does real self-care look like? The truth is, it’s often unsexy and invisible — not all bubble baths and pedicures. Real self-care is all about digging into the roots of your insecurities or stressors, and facing them instead of running from them. It’s also about learning what makes you feel deeply happy and rewarded. A few examples:

• Setting strong boundaries
• Letting go of what you can’t control
• Practicing self-compassion
• Trusting your gut
• Speaking up for yourself
• Being more vulnerable
• Seeking connection when you want to isolate
• Defining success on your own terms